Yes, since 2015 I’ve been working on myself, by myself, and in the good care of doctors, nurse practitioners, and sometimes therapists. I did a lot of the inner work that I needed to do… albeit, a long time ago. I cried, I struggled, I examined and re-examined traumatic scenes and I healed and I grew stronger. I grew braver. I found my voice in the midst of chaos and upheaval and a verra unkind and cold environs.
I don’t think I’m bipolar anymore. Or now it’s just dormant. But when I get to World Trade, I won’t need to rely on medication to stabilize my moods. I re-learned how to do it naturally. By reprogramming my own mind and getting rid of a lot of toxic and harmful programming. By learning how to block, ignore, ban, and delete. I learned self-care. I learned to be good to myself especially when there were those who were uncaring.
I learned that I was a fool to think the ways I used to especially around the time I was diagnosed in the early 2000s. I learned that I wasn’t able to see as I am now able to see now. I learned to embrace my rage in private and work through the pain and anger in private so as not to ever take it out on anyone else.
I tried to be an inspirational story for others going through difficulties and challenges similar to mine. I gained better critical thinking skills. I started to learn what love is truly about and that I never really understood it.
So when I’m finally where I need to be, I will never take another precious moment for granted with true friends and family who actually care about me.
I was blind. I was mute. I was deaf. Tasteless. Unfeeling. I had to start at ground zero and build myself back up and re-learn all my senses. And in the process, I gained other senses… senses we need… like a moral barometer.
I realize what I did wrong. I realize what I failed to do or what I shouldn’t have done. I learned to not make excuses for it. But to know that even my own record is not unblemished.
I dunno if I’ll be the angel I once was again, but now that I have a daughter, I will make sure she can avoid the mistakes I made and do it better. And maybe younger kiddos who know my story can avoid my pitfalls and not only do it as good as me, but at least one better.
I learned that not everyone or everything needs a response. I learned how to remain silent. Because silence is rarely misinterpreted. I learned restraint. And I learned how to laugh at my own numerous human failings.
And I’m glad that I believe in Him/Good Lord/Allah. I’m glad that my Mama made sure He was always in my life, even after she dies in 2018. One of the best gifts you can give your own kiddos, is ‘faith.’
~emma ruth